I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
