Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
