Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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