The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
