I accidentally burped into my bong.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
