When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
