we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
