If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
