Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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