Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the day after is always just damage control
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
