They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
this will be a night to untag.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
