I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
