A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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