My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
