I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So much Jack, so little girl.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
