I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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