I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
