Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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