What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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