no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
