I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
