I cut my penus on the lid.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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