I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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