So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
