Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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