Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
