I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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