literally had 100 drinks last night.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
