I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
