i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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