I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
