I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
