Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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