I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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