i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
