Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
