So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
