I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
