mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
