I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
