matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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