**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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