can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I've blown a few things in my day
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
