I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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