The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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