i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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