I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
