Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
