So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
