He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
