listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
